a Scarlet D

Dear friends, it’s likely I’ll be posting more often since I’m:

• Having to get up at some ungodly hour (11??)
• Going to the clinic and doing TMS every weekday
• Will soon be playing the VNS game
• Because in some way I support it’s therapeutic

Part of TMS is to take a PHQ-9 every day and rate the previous 24 hours. Normally they’re every two weeks. I’ve done so many of them it’s not even funny. Between ketamine (1x/wk for 2+ years), previous TMS, (two series of seven weeks) and normal appointments (dozens over 7 years now) I’ve probably done 500 or more. When I’m in a depressive episode I score in the 20+ range out of 27. I’ve never hit 27 but I had a 26 once. Unfortunately, it’s hard to tell when I get worse, as I’m pegging the questions already. And *every* since time I take the test, I think hard about my answers.

Today’s TMS started with the “let’s see if you can handle it” setting, and the tech explained that we would be increasing the power over time to the standard therapeutic level. About a third of the way through I said she could turn it up. She asked if she should stagger it or.. and I said just go full blast. So we did. It hurts, for sure, and as it has always done, it makes me clench my jaw. Either harder if my mouth is closed, or it closes it for me and clenches it. Oddly, this setting also makes my right eyebrow raise. Which I do a lot, so it’s okay, but it’s still uncomfortable to have your face and mouth get pushed into these shapes.

As the cycles (on for 1 or 2 seconds, off for 15) went by, I waited to see if I would get that experience again where the pulse made my depression worse, then set it back to normal on the rest portion of the cycle. I couldn’t sense that.

What it did, however, was just make me feel increasingly more sad. I don’t know that “depressed” is the right word, but a hopeless sadness is as close as I can get describing it. So I got to take that home. Yay. Still have it. Want some? I can email it to you..