a Scarlet D
My mental health journey
Category: anxiety
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Just another post of complaints. Getting tired of that, among other things. The med changes aren’t going well. I meet with the whole care team (GP included) this week and maybe we’ll sort it out. I don’t know or care so much anymore. Or I don’t know what to feel. The Mirapex has been a…
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— Kay Redfield Jamison I’m pretty sure I’m off my meds. Just some of them or 3/4 of them. Maybe. Given the symptoms or side effects or whatever I feel like it’s some of the new ones. I stock my pill cases monthly, and you never seem to run out on the same day. So…
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I’m seeing this psychologist who is taking me through a ten module program of Positive Affect Treatment (PAT). The idea is that we normally attack the bad problems of depression, but this program tries to highlight the good elements of your life, highlight them for you and help you be happier than ever before. I…
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Today made my top five worst days. That includes attempts, hospitalizations, and a brutal beating by drunk Robert. Like it takes a village to do some things, it takes many days to make a worst day. Like recent trends, this wasn’t a dramatic crisis. It was a building of horrible that reached a crescendo. Didn’t…
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Back down to 23 on the phq-9, was hanging around 25 earlier this week. Not sleeping, too busy or not busy enough, adjusting stimulation meds, plus the five minute stabbing just added up to crazy. Writing this post while in the TMS chair between head tappings every 20 seconds and neck stabbing every five minutes.…
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Friday they set my VNS to 1.5 mA, which I previously described as “1.5 – Coughing. That was the first impression. Sharp pain, more voice gravel.” I’ll add heartburn to the description, and say the coughing isn’t much there. It’s not actual heartburn but it’s the sensation, above the stomach. It also make me feel…
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Obviously, a lot of content on this blog is about emotion and emotional hurt, etc. I think I’ve talked about the fact that needles don’t bother me anymore. After two series of ECT (with IV) and so many ketamine IM shots I’m pretty numb to them. If I recall, I haven’t had any meds that…
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Friday, 2 hours of sleep. Saturday, hadn’t gotten to sleep until something before 5am. Woke up at 6:40pm. Couldn’t get out of bed until 8: 00. Crap. I just lost a day. slept 14? hours. This is unbearable. All I want is to not exist. Normally sleeping is my way of having that for a…
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Today I attend my last Day Program session. TMS has ended. Ketamine is back to maintenance. Recently I was attending 15 hours of therapies a week. And now I’m back to my personal Therapist, which is one hour a week. I do have ketamine biweekly yet, and I attend my face-it men’s depression and anxiety…
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I feel like I’ve been crying for an hour. But I haven’t. It’s been a hard two hours. Day program, the education session. New facilitator, and he seems really cool. We connected over music, concerts, and his fascination with (my) home built boats. He’s a bit high energy, but so much more interesting than the…
a Scarlet D 