a Scarlet D
My mental health journey
about
Category: ketamine
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Today made my top five worst days. That includes attempts, hospitalizations, and a brutal beating by drunk Robert. Like it takes a village to do some things, it takes many days to make a worst day. Like recent trends, this wasn’t a dramatic crisis. It was a building of horrible that reached a crescendo. Didn’t…
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tl;dr Whining and self sabotage. Pretty sure it’s going to be boring for you all. The psychologist I was talking to about EMDR turned out to be a marriage and family counselor who has EMDR as one of his skills. I have a call with him Wednesday where I’ll be letting him go. Appointment with…
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tl;dr summary at the end of each section. VNS We increased the power to 1.75 mA, the next will be 2.0 in a couple weeks or so. I was pretty much tolerating 1.50 but it was still painful and the heartburn was annoying. At 1.75 the pain has increased to something that makes me gasp…
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Stuff: In order to show the DBS folks that we tried everything, we’re turning my VNS up. It was (I was right) set to 1.0, and we ended up increasing it to 1.25 – Friday I will get it up to 1.5. And so on. I did ask to feel all of the steps we’re…
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I hate it when I’m in my ketamine therapy and the soul-recharging dissociation crosses a line back into reality. As I’ve described, at the bottom of the experience I feel like I’m at the atomic level, one with the universe, and all that. As the potency of the ketamine starts to soften, I start to…
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Today I attend my last Day Program session. TMS has ended. Ketamine is back to maintenance. Recently I was attending 15 hours of therapies a week. And now I’m back to my personal Therapist, which is one hour a week. I do have ketamine biweekly yet, and I attend my face-it men’s depression and anxiety…
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I wrote down something my therapist said once. “Better sleep than death.” I’m pretty sure it was about my not being able to get out of bed all weekend. That’s pretty much every weekend now. And a lot of days after program, when I get home and I’m completely washed out I’ll just go to…
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I’ve always been deeply connected to music. Happy, sad, doesn’t matter. Something is playing. Depressive episodes are no exception. While I tend to play music until I’m sick of it, it goes doubly so for depression. I guess instead of getting sick of it, it tunnels it’s way into me, and the more I play…
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Just got out of ketamine and had a follow-up with psychiatrist at the treatment resistant depression clinic. He wasn’t suggesting I go inpatient, he was asking for a reason not to do it. I was honest with him and we eventually settled on me remaining at home with check-ins. But it was touch and go…
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But first, a quick update.. I’m told I’m doing better. I guess I can feel it. Makes the inside harder to deal with sometimes when the outside looks okay. Doing DBT, EMDR, Ketamine and regular therapy. VNS still zapping along. Mostly used to it, sometimes annoyed by it. Very often sounding like Saw Gerrera when…
a Scarlet D 