a Scarlet D
My mental health journey
about
Category: vns
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Today made my top five worst days. That includes attempts, hospitalizations, and a brutal beating by drunk Robert. Like it takes a village to do some things, it takes many days to make a worst day. Like recent trends, this wasn’t a dramatic crisis. It was a building of horrible that reached a crescendo. Didn’t…
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tl;dr Whining and self sabotage. Pretty sure it’s going to be boring for you all. The psychologist I was talking to about EMDR turned out to be a marriage and family counselor who has EMDR as one of his skills. I have a call with him Wednesday where I’ll be letting him go. Appointment with…
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Back down to 23 on the phq-9, was hanging around 25 earlier this week. Not sleeping, too busy or not busy enough, adjusting stimulation meds, plus the five minute stabbing just added up to crazy. Writing this post while in the TMS chair between head tappings every 20 seconds and neck stabbing every five minutes.…
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tl;dr summary at the end of each section. VNS We increased the power to 1.75 mA, the next will be 2.0 in a couple weeks or so. I was pretty much tolerating 1.50 but it was still painful and the heartburn was annoying. At 1.75 the pain has increased to something that makes me gasp…
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Friday they set my VNS to 1.5 mA, which I previously described as “1.5 – Coughing. That was the first impression. Sharp pain, more voice gravel.” I’ll add heartburn to the description, and say the coughing isn’t much there. It’s not actual heartburn but it’s the sensation, above the stomach. It also make me feel…
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It’s just turning into one big panic attack. Can’t breathe, anxious, worrying. Getting used to days where I don’t eat at all. Left (graduated?) the partial hospitalization program because it’s only 15 days long. I have transitioned into the day program. Tuesday Wednesday Thursdays from 12:30 to 3:00. For like, ever. Seems like a great…
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But first, a quick update.. I’m told I’m doing better. I guess I can feel it. Makes the inside harder to deal with sometimes when the outside looks okay. Doing DBT, EMDR, Ketamine and regular therapy. VNS still zapping along. Mostly used to it, sometimes annoyed by it. Very often sounding like Saw Gerrera when…
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I added that stupid “Positive” section last post and I guess I have to keep up with it. I’d say it might be DBT. I’m not knowingly using tools yet, but when I have to report in I can usually find a couple that I did use. Happy?
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Logistically (therapies, schedules, DBT) things are the same for me, it feels like everything is unspooling lately. I feel I’ve broken in half after/despite the peace of my trip to the East Coast. Since then I haven’t been able to write, play music, or even take the Vespa out and wander around. While these are…
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I forgot to add this to the last post, but it’s a bit of an update on my neck scar from the VNS. Both scars are fading nicely, and the chest scar is really getting light. My neck is a little bit redder, but I’m guessing that’s from collars and everything else that abuses it.…
a Scarlet D 