a Scarlet D

I wrote a post yesterday titled “Emotion Wheel” – it’s a device for finding a better term for how you’re feeling. The post was saying that in one week I had felt all of the negative emotions on the wheel.

Gibberish.

Luckily it hadn’t published properly, so you didn’t have to read it. Drama and hopelessness. Which I’m still swaddled in, I’m just trying to find a better way to express it. Today’s post used a play on the emotion wheel, but with sleep. Which I didn’t get much of last night. Odd, since I went to bed when I got home from program. I did get up later and watched “Walter Mitty” and had a sandwich though. We added it up yesterday and I eat about 10 meals per week. I thought that was great, thinking there were 14 meals per week. Bad math though. There are actually 21. So I guess that confirms the disordered eating my therapist is talking about.

The program is okay, but it’s not like any of the other PHPs I’ve done. No 1:1 talk therapy and no group therapy. Lots of education, lots of independent study time. I remember my first PHP and it was a bunch of miserable people sitting in chairs in a circle talking about how much their lives suck. Including me. But it was where we learned about each other and our problems compared to others, and where we shared to support each other.

I don’t know how much attention they’re paying, though. I have pretty high SI (suicidal ideation) most of the time, but nobody’ here has called me out on it. I also checked the box for “planning” which is one of the “big deal” questions (Do you have a plan? Do you have intent?) that typically elicits a strong response, with lots of direct 1:1 discussion and assurances of safety. Not a peep. (Don’t worry, it was just research about apples and arsenic. No joy there.)

Still stuck in the loop of “depression -> can’t fix -> will always be like this -> SI -> depression” – and so on. Pretty boring by this point. It’s just where I live now, I suppose. Welcome home.