a Scarlet D

The fact that I don’t tag these well makes this a lamely titled entry.

It’s been a minute since I posted, and honestly it’s just the same old same old. I think I got a 26 on the PDQ-9, which ties a personal best. TMS hurts my head and my soul. Seriously it’s like tiny metal mallets, but when it’s firing it feels like the depression core of my brain is being poked with a sadness stick. Day Program is good, especially group. Haven’t had to convince anyone I was safe lately.

The next stuff is truly horrible. The only redeeming thing I can say about it is that at least it isn’t poetry. You’re good to go just stopping here.

Random quotes from the notebook of an angsty middle schooler:

Better to sleep than to die – my Therapist

I can’t seem to reconcile having bright days or hours with my depression. Nor can I comfortably accept a possible trend toward the light. Who am I if not my depression?

Depression is so much easier in the winter because there’s less sunlight. [to wake you up]

When I’m happy I feel as though I’m disrespecting my depression

Stimulants feel like a scaffolding on an old, rotten church.

Sauerkraut is just kimchi for midwesterners

Isn’t it strange that we don’t know what’s after this? Not a single credible explanation. We’re all just over here on one side of the wall without a clue. What if there is no other side of the wall?

I threw my pedigree at the facilitator and talked about a reason to live or a reason to die. He had no clear response.

I am too lazy to get better, or just want to get worse until I die?

I went for a walk yesterday, saw a bunch of pretty wildflowers, but didn’t find any more hemlock. But hey, it’s exercise!