a Scarlet D

This morning I’m really feeling it, and want to write about it.

Waking up was hard as usual, getting out of bed took a few tries but eventually I slipped into the morning routine. Start coffee, lay out shower stuff, have OJ, grab coffee, start shower, etc. While I was in the shower the depression was a bit overwhelming, but I got through the routine okay. Go to the car, drive out to the suburbs. Sat in my car in the parking lot for a while, just trying to gather the energy? Motivation?

It’s a drowsy feeling, no matter how awake you are. It feels like being pulled down by your chest, but there’s also usually the anxiety in the pit of my stomach. Shoulders pulled down, and I find myself looking down when I’m walking. Everything is like a thick fog you have to push through, hard to walk, hard to interact with people. Somehow even hard to just sit. And no patience for anyone.

Sometimes it’s like drowning, but when someone makes you laugh you bob to the surface for a moment to breathe. But you’re always going to drop back down into the water. I had my usual TMS session and was relieved to see my favorite tech would be running it. It just felt difficult to get in the chair, and once it started I had the familiar feeling of intensified depression when the mallets were hitting me. The tech, as always, engaged me in nice conversation, talking about the State Fair, or proper condiments for hot dogs.

I laughed, I smiled, I enjoyed our conversation. But so much of the time I felt like I was going to start crying. The overwhelm was so strong, and the depression so intense this morning that it all just worked against me. On one hand I’m glad I didn’t start sobbing in front of the tech, but on the other hand I think it would have felt like some kind of relief. In the end I was left with this heavy, thick, sad fog to push through whether I like it or not.

So how was your morning?