a Scarlet D

Work just couldn’t wait for me. They made it clear it wasn’t about me. It was about needing someone in the role. My team needed a leader. And I get that. While unemployment brings so many stressors, I have to admit I’m relieved. The stress there is what landed me in the pile of goop I’m in now. One thing they left me with, though, was long term disability. The company helped with FMLA and provided short term disability during my absence. They’re funding the long term disability as long as I need it, or for 2 years, whichever comes first. It’ll just pay the rent and the bills. It won’t allow me to buy a new 500″ super flat screen TV. I can’t buy a pair of jet skis either. However, my day to day will be helped considerably.

Ok, I’ve fallen off the therapy cliff. I don’t have a job to go back to. I need something. Structure or something to look for. Well, we’ve been talking about that in therapy and group, and I have a plan. First, though…

I always said if I ever lost my job, I’d get in my car and head west until I hit an ocean.

Dinner with a friend grew the idea to a real road trip. More chats with friends transformed it into a real concept. My care team was also part of the transformation. I didn’t commit to the idea for a long time, as I was scared of being disappointed. It was just last month that I attempted suicide. And this month I had the worst panic attack of my life – that almost ended me up in the hospital again. So this trip is a scary idea. But it gave me hope, something to look forward to. Within a short amount of time my whole care team were on board, embracing it as a positive change/therapy.

And so, tomorrow morning I’m going to get in my car and head west. Until I find an ocean. I may still post here, but maybe not as often. I’m sure I’ll have some thoughts driving so many miles..