Category: Uncategorized
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Yeah, I’ll put a trigger warning on this. Depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and casino bingo. I’ve been travelling a lot lately, which is good. I tend to have good days while on a road trip. It’s not a guarantee, but it happens. When I get back from a road trip I do tend to feel…
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I had a call with my psychiatrist today to catch up on meds after my trip. I’m all refilled up for three weeks, and back to where I was before my trip. (I had run out of a few things upon returning, so we’re stabilizing back to my current regimen.). This list is for your…
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This was supposed to be a tiny, short, brief note. RIP travel journal writing for the night Just watched Cast Away (two words), and like any mainstream movie there’s a lesson at the end, or some revelation or reconciliation. I connected with Tom Hanks because I feel like I’ve been a castaway for some years…
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Just another post of complaints. Getting tired of that, among other things. The med changes aren’t going well. I meet with the whole care team (GP included) this week and maybe we’ll sort it out. I don’t know or care so much anymore. Or I don’t know what to feel. The Mirapex has been a…
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Today made my top five worst days. That includes attempts, hospitalizations, and a brutal beating by drunk Robert. Like it takes a village to do some things, it takes many days to make a worst day. Like recent trends, this wasn’t a dramatic crisis. It was a building of horrible that reached a crescendo. Didn’t…
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It’s my blog I can cry if I want to. When it comes to my care stuff, I’m the teachers pet: Yet here I am, as bad as ever. In DBT they talk about a “life worth living.” I don’t even know what that would look like anymore. Mine doesn’t feel like that. Don’t worry,…
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Earlier we increased the VNS to 1.5mA, which feels like a blunt knife held tight to my throat. Stabbing, really. Also, instant heartburn during the firing. Can’t remember if I already made this update, but it’s gotten a little better over the course of the week but not a ton. Increasing to 1.75mA on Monday,…
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I wrote about drowning between therapy sessions. If I miss one, it’s very frustrating. It isolates me further and reminds me that a canceled appointment for anyone else is just that. (And my bad brain tells me I’m not important enough) Like a runner who paces themselves for a rest and reaches that rest exhausted,…
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Friday, 2 hours of sleep. Saturday, hadn’t gotten to sleep until something before 5am. Woke up at 6:40pm. Couldn’t get out of bed until 8: 00. Crap. I just lost a day. slept 14? hours. This is unbearable. All I want is to not exist. Normally sleeping is my way of having that for a…
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(I am fully aware that this reads like 7th grade angst poetry but I don’t have it in me to rewrite/edit.) It’s the time between distractions that’s the hardest. Between therapy, clinic, ketamine, dinner with friends. Those distract me from myself – thanks to friends. They distract me from my mind – thanks to ketamine.…
a Scarlet D 