a Scarlet D

Stuff:

• Scheduled a new EMDR intro, focus on my rampant suicidal ideation.
• Scheduled a voice screen with the Deep Brain Stimulation study group
• Turned up the VNS, more on that below
• Scheduled an intro to a Psychologist at Fairview
• Still doing deep TMS, thought it hurt until I felt the new VNS setting
• Still doing ketamine. Spending more time disassociated, which is good
• Mood is horrible, sleep is all kinds of messed up in so many different ways

In order to show the DBS folks that we tried everything, we’re turning my VNS up. It was (I was right) set to 1.0, and we ended up increasing it to 1.25 – Friday I will get it up to 1.5. And so on. I did ask to feel all of the steps we’re going up, all the way to 2.0. Here’s the rundown

• 1.0 – The setting I’ve had for months. Voice gets gravelly, possibly a tiny bit of pain, just annoying.
• 1.25 – Sharp. Similar to my last setting, just stronger, A bit of heartburn.
• 1.5 – Coughing. That was the first impression. Sharp pain, more voice gravel.
• 1.75 – As if someone is stabbing you with a knife that goes from your heart to your neck. And hurting sharply all the way. Coughing was pretty bad. Voice worse.
• 2.0 – Stopped after 10 seconds. Coughing was constant and severe but could mostly still breathe. Knife stabbing like before but the knife is now on fire. Not my favorite way to die.

We’ll see how they all feel as we ramp up through them. I think they’ll be much more manageable, especially having felt them and know how to pace myself. But yeah, it’s intense and it’s scary.

That’s about it. I have the paradox of loving to be alone, but have heartbreaking loneliness. This feels like a new situation. Sometimes I look at the dating apps, but the energy to meet someone and learn a whole new person is intimidating. Probably just watch the Harry Potter franchise or something instead. But yeah, really lonely.