a Scarlet D

Earlier we increased the VNS to 1.5mA, which feels like a blunt knife held tight to my throat. Stabbing, really. Also, instant heartburn during the firing. Can’t remember if I already made this update, but it’s gotten a little better over the course of the week but not a ton. Increasing to 1.75mA on Monday, my request. I don’t know if it’s masochism or foolishness or that I just don’t care anymore. Or maybe that I want things to get worse.

Talked to the DBS study people this week, and from this point on they will be called the PCS people. That’s short for bilateral sub-dural prefrontal cortical stimulation (PCS).  It’s still brain surgery, but the wires go on the gray matter, not shoved into it.  DBS can be found on the Web easily enough, but finding info on the PCS study is like searching for “stitching+ loaf+ fish+ barometer+ squeeze+” – crickets.  It’ll be many months or years before it’s all done though, so just starting the eligibility process at this point, but they said I sounded like a very good candidate so far.

Another really tough day. Not some high drama trauma day with crazy stress and anxiety.  Just a very long day of feeling down, not seeing the point in doing things like buying milk or doing chores. As the day wears on and I go to TMS (which makes it worse) only to return home to my life, it gets more bleak.  I did go for dinner with my best friend, but even that made me impatient and just wanting to go home and curl into a ball. And I was completely spent. No puzzle, no proper tv – just put on a series to play forever.

I don’t know how to explain it, but as these days grind me down more I feel sadder and more lonely. And yet I don’t want to be with or talk to people.  One can only do this for so long.