a Scarlet D
My mental health journey
about
Category: anxiety
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Today made my top five worst days. That includes attempts, hospitalizations, and a brutal beating by drunk Robert. Like it takes a village to do some things, it takes many days to make a worst day. Like recent trends, this wasn’t a dramatic crisis. It was a building of horrible that reached a crescendo. Didn’t…
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Back down to 23 on the phq-9, was hanging around 25 earlier this week. Not sleeping, too busy or not busy enough, adjusting stimulation meds, plus the five minute stabbing just added up to crazy. Writing this post while in the TMS chair between head tappings every 20 seconds and neck stabbing every five minutes.…
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Friday they set my VNS to 1.5 mA, which I previously described as “1.5 – Coughing. That was the first impression. Sharp pain, more voice gravel.” I’ll add heartburn to the description, and say the coughing isn’t much there. It’s not actual heartburn but it’s the sensation, above the stomach. It also make me feel…
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Obviously, a lot of content on this blog is about emotion and emotional hurt, etc. I think I’ve talked about the fact that needles don’t bother me anymore. After two series of ECT (with IV) and so many ketamine IM shots I’m pretty numb to them. If I recall, I haven’t had any meds that…
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Friday, 2 hours of sleep. Saturday, hadn’t gotten to sleep until something before 5am. Woke up at 6:40pm. Couldn’t get out of bed until 8: 00. Crap. I just lost a day. slept 14? hours. This is unbearable. All I want is to not exist. Normally sleeping is my way of having that for a…
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Today I attend my last Day Program session. TMS has ended. Ketamine is back to maintenance. Recently I was attending 15 hours of therapies a week. And now I’m back to my personal Therapist, which is one hour a week. I do have ketamine biweekly yet, and I attend my face-it men’s depression and anxiety…
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I feel like I’ve been crying for an hour. But I haven’t. It’s been a hard two hours. Day program, the education session. New facilitator, and he seems really cool. We connected over music, concerts, and his fascination with (my) home built boats. He’s a bit high energy, but so much more interesting than the…
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I’ve always been deeply connected to music. Happy, sad, doesn’t matter. Something is playing. Depressive episodes are no exception. While I tend to play music until I’m sick of it, it goes doubly so for depression. I guess instead of getting sick of it, it tunnels it’s way into me, and the more I play…
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It’s just turning into one big panic attack. Can’t breathe, anxious, worrying. Getting used to days where I don’t eat at all. Left (graduated?) the partial hospitalization program because it’s only 15 days long. I have transitioned into the day program. Tuesday Wednesday Thursdays from 12:30 to 3:00. For like, ever. Seems like a great…
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Just got out of ketamine and had a follow-up with psychiatrist at the treatment resistant depression clinic. He wasn’t suggesting I go inpatient, he was asking for a reason not to do it. I was honest with him and we eventually settled on me remaining at home with check-ins. But it was touch and go…
a Scarlet D 