a Scarlet D

That’s probably the best way to describe it. The fact that it makes no sense sets the tone.

It used to be easy. Wallow in The Hole with my depression. Let anxiety put me in a cage that make me want to freak out. That feeds the depression etc and so forth. They were separate but working together against me. Meds for anxiety and meds for depression.

This go around it feels like I have some kind of hybrid anxiety and depression, but it’s so much patchier. Sometimes I can forget myself through them, even though they always come back. I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s not warm, it’s sharp and panicky but with a hopeless angle. My appetite is all messed up. We worked out that I eat 10 meals a week out of 21. And my suicidal ideation is pretty crazy these days. There are a few things I’m not sharing with my care team, mostly in research and stuff. Things are strange all around.

Enough poetry. I’m in the new PHP, the same one I first attended so long ago. It feels a bit like coming home. The layout, the content, it’s all familiar. I’m sensing a warmth, but there’s a toughness there too. On top of program (check-in, processing, education) we see the nurse, the psychiatrist, and I think a third one I’ve forgotten.

Group is what I need. A constantly changing group of people, most are profoundly messed up like me. I’ve found my people. They drag smiles out of me and listen to my pity party. I still don’t have much hope left. We’ve talked about more ECT or TMS. I said I’d sto ptaking my meds and never make another appointment again before I do more ECT. Not sure about TMS. I guess it couldn’t hurt.

Talked about meds, there really aren’t many left that I haven’t tried. And yet again someone brings up Auvelity. I have a document outlining my reasons for never giving that a try. Wellbutrin has saved my life a couple times as they increased my dosage. I’m at the max dose now, 450. Auvelity is the combination of Wellbutrin and cough medicine. The Wellbutrin would be 105 or something, max. Oh and it’s cough syrup, so woozy, can’t drive, sleepy time comes as part of the package. I ran out of Wellbutrin once and spent. a weekend in steep decline. So I’m not trying the cough syrup cocktail.

And before you mention Psilocybin, it’s not legal here. One of my team suggested I go on a Psilocybin Vacation. Sounds like fun, but not going to happen any time soon. Travel is hard. Hell, going to Target it hard. Thought I’d pass out tonight. It’s the mystery low heart rate (personal best is 45, but it’s usually 48-52) that I think is my body’s way of preventing me from having a heart attack and dying. One can dream.

And finally, there is a phrase “death of a thousand papercuts,” meaning something fails because of many many problems. In my case it might be literal. The paperwork for everything is so overwhelming. Care team didn’t do their paperwork, great now I get to chase that down. And upload it and pray it all comes together. My motivation is in the toilet, so getting it all done is just painful.  And I’m doing this all alone. When I get back to my apartment, when I fill out forms, when I go to appointments.  That was my decision but it doesn’t mean it’s not hard as hell.

I’m forcing myself not to think about work. Those thoughts take me to very bad places.