a Scarlet D
My mental health journey
about
Category: depression
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Today made my top five worst days. That includes attempts, hospitalizations, and a brutal beating by drunk Robert. Like it takes a village to do some things, it takes many days to make a worst day. Like recent trends, this wasn’t a dramatic crisis. It was a building of horrible that reached a crescendo. Didn’t…
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tl;dr Whining and self sabotage. Pretty sure it’s going to be boring for you all. The psychologist I was talking to about EMDR turned out to be a marriage and family counselor who has EMDR as one of his skills. I have a call with him Wednesday where I’ll be letting him go. Appointment with…
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Back down to 23 on the phq-9, was hanging around 25 earlier this week. Not sleeping, too busy or not busy enough, adjusting stimulation meds, plus the five minute stabbing just added up to crazy. Writing this post while in the TMS chair between head tappings every 20 seconds and neck stabbing every five minutes.…
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tl;dr summary at the end of each section. VNS We increased the power to 1.75 mA, the next will be 2.0 in a couple weeks or so. I was pretty much tolerating 1.50 but it was still painful and the heartburn was annoying. At 1.75 the pain has increased to something that makes me gasp…
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Friday they set my VNS to 1.5 mA, which I previously described as “1.5 – Coughing. That was the first impression. Sharp pain, more voice gravel.” I’ll add heartburn to the description, and say the coughing isn’t much there. It’s not actual heartburn but it’s the sensation, above the stomach. It also make me feel…
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Stuff: In order to show the DBS folks that we tried everything, we’re turning my VNS up. It was (I was right) set to 1.0, and we ended up increasing it to 1.25 – Friday I will get it up to 1.5. And so on. I did ask to feel all of the steps we’re…
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Last night at 3:09 (I looked) I woke up with that feeling. *That* feeling. Stomach tight. Something doesn’t seem right. Sharp saliva at the back of your tongue. Dread. Lay there for a bit thinking oh it’s nothing, maybe sit up and burp and that makes things okay. But it doesn’t. It just makes it…
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Obviously, a lot of content on this blog is about emotion and emotional hurt, etc. I think I’ve talked about the fact that needles don’t bother me anymore. After two series of ECT (with IV) and so many ketamine IM shots I’m pretty numb to them. If I recall, I haven’t had any meds that…
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Friday, 2 hours of sleep. Saturday, hadn’t gotten to sleep until something before 5am. Woke up at 6:40pm. Couldn’t get out of bed until 8: 00. Crap. I just lost a day. slept 14? hours. This is unbearable. All I want is to not exist. Normally sleeping is my way of having that for a…
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Stealing the title and just a bit of my content from my travel blog here. So if you’re reading this getting upset at my self plagiarism, just read on. It’ll get better. Or worse. On the 10,000 mile road trip I was lucky enough not to experience any tickets, breakdowns, or crashes. Settling back into…
a Scarlet D 