Category: depression
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Friday they set my VNS to 1.5 mA, which I previously described as “1.5 – Coughing. That was the first impression. Sharp pain, more voice gravel.” I’ll add heartburn to the description, and say the coughing isn’t much there. It’s not actual heartburn but it’s the sensation, above the stomach. It also make me feel…
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Stuff: In order to show the DBS folks that we tried everything, we’re turning my VNS up. It was (I was right) set to 1.0, and we ended up increasing it to 1.25 – Friday I will get it up to 1.5. And so on. I did ask to feel all of the steps we’re…
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Last night at 3:09 (I looked) I woke up with that feeling. *That* feeling. Stomach tight. Something doesn’t seem right. Sharp saliva at the back of your tongue. Dread. Lay there for a bit thinking oh it’s nothing, maybe sit up and burp and that makes things okay. But it doesn’t. It just makes it…
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Obviously, a lot of content on this blog is about emotion and emotional hurt, etc. I think I’ve talked about the fact that needles don’t bother me anymore. After two series of ECT (with IV) and so many ketamine IM shots I’m pretty numb to them. If I recall, I haven’t had any meds that…
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Friday, 2 hours of sleep. Saturday, hadn’t gotten to sleep until something before 5am. Woke up at 6:40pm. Couldn’t get out of bed until 8: 00. Crap. I just lost a day. slept 14? hours. This is unbearable. All I want is to not exist. Normally sleeping is my way of having that for a…
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Stealing the title and just a bit of my content from my travel blog here. So if you’re reading this getting upset at my self plagiarism, just read on. It’ll get better. Or worse. On the 10,000 mile road trip I was lucky enough not to experience any tickets, breakdowns, or crashes. Settling back into…
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Today I attend my last Day Program session. TMS has ended. Ketamine is back to maintenance. Recently I was attending 15 hours of therapies a week. And now I’m back to my personal Therapist, which is one hour a week. I do have ketamine biweekly yet, and I attend my face-it men’s depression and anxiety…
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I feel like I’ve been crying for an hour. But I haven’t. It’s been a hard two hours. Day program, the education session. New facilitator, and he seems really cool. We connected over music, concerts, and his fascination with (my) home built boats. He’s a bit high energy, but so much more interesting than the…
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I wrote down something my therapist said once. “Better sleep than death.” I’m pretty sure it was about my not being able to get out of bed all weekend. That’s pretty much every weekend now. And a lot of days after program, when I get home and I’m completely washed out I’ll just go to…
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Working on getting back to (fucked up) normal. Schedule sorted, still in all of my therapies, apartment tidied and (somewhat) repaired. Bruises and scabs multicolor ugly but fading, and I’ve actually eaten some meals. I was getting ready for my day, doing all the right things. Had time to enjoy my coffee, do my whole…
a Scarlet D 