First off, scars are mostly healed. Chest scar is almost invisible again, and the neck scar is still inflamed and dark but well on its way. Still have a small lump in my throat, but it’s getting better daily. VNS is gone, I don’t really miss it. Tomorrow it’ll be a month since surgery and I’ll be able to take a bubble bath.
As for the next thing.. I’m not sure how much I’m able to say about it, since it’s a study. So I likely won’t mention it by name or the company, or any other close details. But it involves electricity straight into my brain 24×7. Scary.
I got a ton of detailed info about the study, device, and timeline. For some reason I started to get worried that I wasn’t depressed enough. And then I looked around at the dishes and the laundry and the clutter and realized maybe I wasn’t seeing things accurately. So yay. I guess I’m likely depressed enough.
The documentation has spawned a ton of questions and I’m getting nervous about the whole thing. And that doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that I need to stop ketamine immediately. That’s the one something I look forward to every week. And it’ll be gone for 3 1/2 years at least. I have a long list of (organized) questions for my follow-up call today from what I’m loosely thinking of as a sales rep.
Highlights include using their study staff psychiatrist for a year, the acceptance process looks quite rigorous and doesn’t make me feel 100% like it’s a slam dunk. The device is two units like the VNS but larger. And of course two wires going to their destination. I’ll get to add new acronyms to my list like CT-scan, MRI, MADRS and. a large battery of other depression tests and 1-2 days inpatient time after surgery. (Unlocked doors inpatient) The batteries run out at 12-18 months, which will require another surgery to replace things with a rechargeable thing.
After reading the 40+ page document, I’m feeling nervous. What if I don’t end up qualifying? What if I’m in the placebo group and get better – does that make me a faker or an idiot? As you know, my Imposter syndrome is off the charts. They were supposed to call back early afternoon today, but haven’t. And they’re east coast, so it’s 5 after 4 there. I’m going to be anxious until I learn more.
What have I done?
Update:
They called. Answered most of my questions. First appointment scheduled tentatively for December 1. I feel better but worse about my questions and their answers. I don’t remember being this anxious about the VNS.
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