“If you are lonely when you’re alone, you are in bad company.” –Jean-Paul Sartre
Normally I love being alone. Knowing you’re in a space where the only person to affect it is you. Today, however, is different. My therapist cancelled the second session in a row. That’s fine, people have needs, get sick, need to care for others.” What it did, though, was leave me with a complete day of nothing. I have appointments, weekly calls, physical and ketamine therapies, check-ins with psychiatrists every week. It rarely leaves me with a day with nothing, other than Saturdays. And those don’t feel like they count, as I leave the apartment on Saturdays.
What made this one special is the weather, my growing concern about my future, and honestly my SI. I have described my therapy appointments as an hour where I can keep my head above water, and the other 166 hours I feel like I’m drowning. But today pointed out that it’s all up to me. That if I had a stroke and aneurysm and died right now, the TV would still be on, the photo frame would still show pictures of my niece, and the horse in the video game on the TV would swish its tail well after anyone discovered me. That if my therapist suddenly retired due to some medical thing, I just wouldn’t have a therapist anymore. When I run out of money and have to move somewhere awful, it’ll be up to me to find that awful place. And at some certain time someone will decide I need to work. Could be disability, could be my therapist, could just be me needing money. And I’ll have to go through the nightmare of job hunting again, with oh so many strikes against me. (Close to retirement, huge gaps in resume, an outdated skillset, etc)
No pressure.
Yes, I know I’m a bit entitled, but I’m also eating my savings, and thus my retirement. That shitty apartment will find me sooner or later. I think I’ve complained about all of this before. But there is something inside me that makes it extremely difficult to ask for help. I was looking through my contacts trying to find someone just to talk to, and I just couldn’t do it. My best friend is ridiculously supportive, but it was his work day and it’s been busy lately. My “crazy” friends understand what I’m going through, but I wanted someone who didn’t.
Sometimes these posts are informative, sometimes they’re creative or philosophical, and something they’re just plain me crying. This is one of those. I’ll write my latest VNS explant status in a different post so it’s better indexed.
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