It’s a little too l̶i̶t̶t̶l̶e̶ much.
The only news is that both the local and the study psychiatrists are looking at my questions and coming up with some answers. Possibly unified between them. To be honest though I really want a discussion, because many of the answers cause different concerns.
Trying not to feel like a whiny little brat here, but it’s hard. Everyone reminds me it’s a big decision and I should be asking questions. The date for the first meeting has been cancelled until further notice. Partly because of the questions, but also because we’re upping my pramipexole, and might modify it further again.
Being in this limbo has been very trying. I’m struggling with the overwhelm and anxiety, and as a result the depression is feeding off that. I have appointments, but not enough days to get me out of bed. I purposefully make them in the morning if I can, just to get me dressed. Days like today and yesterday are incredibly more comfortable hiding in my bed.
Human interaction is good. Went to the MIA with a friend, and dinner with my BFF. Unfortunately, he is going across the ocean for a week or so, and I will miss him incredibly. Makes you realize how important someone is to you when they go away for a bit. (shut up, SI deniers)
Struggling hard today and it reminds me what bad is like. Can’t take a full breath, feeling of isolation but being around people doesn’t help. And as I’m truly in the hole, I can’t imagine what else it could feel like, and it’ll always be like this. I’m not completely wrong on that point. It’s always going to be like this unless there’s an intervention that works. Could be wires jammed in my head, or a bit higher dose of that or lower dose of this. But until something changes, this is it. I’m sure the germans have a word for how I feel in this moment, but I sure don’t.
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