a Scarlet D
My mental health journey
about
Category: Devices
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Today made my top five worst days. That includes attempts, hospitalizations, and a brutal beating by drunk Robert. Like it takes a village to do some things, it takes many days to make a worst day. Like recent trends, this wasn’t a dramatic crisis. It was a building of horrible that reached a crescendo. Didn’t…
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tl;dr Whining and self sabotage. Pretty sure it’s going to be boring for you all. The psychologist I was talking to about EMDR turned out to be a marriage and family counselor who has EMDR as one of his skills. I have a call with him Wednesday where I’ll be letting him go. Appointment with…
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Back down to 23 on the phq-9, was hanging around 25 earlier this week. Not sleeping, too busy or not busy enough, adjusting stimulation meds, plus the five minute stabbing just added up to crazy. Writing this post while in the TMS chair between head tappings every 20 seconds and neck stabbing every five minutes.…
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tl;dr summary at the end of each section. VNS We increased the power to 1.75 mA, the next will be 2.0 in a couple weeks or so. I was pretty much tolerating 1.50 but it was still painful and the heartburn was annoying. At 1.75 the pain has increased to something that makes me gasp…
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Friday they set my VNS to 1.5 mA, which I previously described as “1.5 – Coughing. That was the first impression. Sharp pain, more voice gravel.” I’ll add heartburn to the description, and say the coughing isn’t much there. It’s not actual heartburn but it’s the sensation, above the stomach. It also make me feel…
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Second week in on anything is usually not very newsworthy. I think this is worthy of a post. Also, I’m eating an eclair at one of my favorite shops and need to kill some time. The weekend was bad. I stayed in bed for most of it, just trying to escape. I remember a strong…
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Quick catch up: TMS. Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. It’s classified in the “we don’t know how it works, but sometimes it does..” therapy line, but this time I’m doing it at the Treatment Resistant Depression clinic, and they have more scientists than the last place, and it feels much more like something they may actually understand.…
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I think of the different elements of past jobs and how I valued them. From the mentor back during the dotcom bubble, to the manager who taught me all about how Agile can actually work. My current boss has been nothing but supportive. He’s been clear that he wants to set me up for success,…
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Just got out of ketamine and had a follow-up with psychiatrist at the treatment resistant depression clinic. He wasn’t suggesting I go inpatient, he was asking for a reason not to do it. I was honest with him and we eventually settled on me remaining at home with check-ins. But it was touch and go…
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I added that stupid “Positive” section last post and I guess I have to keep up with it. I’d say it might be DBT. I’m not knowingly using tools yet, but when I have to report in I can usually find a couple that I did use. Happy?
a Scarlet D 