a Scarlet D

I think of the different elements of past jobs and how I valued them. From the mentor back during the dotcom bubble, to the manager who taught me all about how Agile can actually work. My current boss has been nothing but supportive. He’s been clear that he wants to set me up for success, and in as much as I have shared my mental health issues, he has been completely supportive. “Just get better.” It sounds like a phrase I would write a whole negative ranting blog post about. But in this case he really means they want me to heal, to get better, and to come home to the job.

My schedule firmed up quite a bit last week, with the addition of a series of TMS, combined with the Day program I’m in. Add in the ketamine appointments, the individual psychiatrist appointments, therapy, and the treatment resistant depression clinic and I have an extremely full schedule. It’ll be like that until the beginning of October when TMS ends, and go back to normal by the middle of October or so. I know I’ve written about this before. I think.

The result was the need to talk to my boss. My therapist said I should do that sooner than later so my catastrophizing brain couldn’t rake me over the coals any longer than necessary. He got back to me in a timely manner and we just had a call. “Just get better.” He just wants me to take the time I need to be able to come back and succeed. My team is waiting for me, and things are pretty much the same as when I left a month and a half ago. He’s possibly going to get kicked upstairs, which is a bummer because he’s such an advocate, and I just don’t know his replacement that well. We’re talked and worked and such, but it’s different between coworker and manager.

I’m in a really bad place. When I get pulled from program so they can talk about my safety, it’s feeling less and less like “hang in there, maybe do you need inpatient?” to “Convince us why we should let you go home today.” I had a pretty bad one of those on Thursday. It’s hard to argue with them, and honestly I’m really only about 75% open with them, because I feel like the other 25% they wouldn’t understand, and be next level concerned. (My brain’s been in this mode for half a decade now, and it’s all full of stuff that can be upsetting to others.)

tl;dr Work still loves me, if schedule volume is what fixes things, I’ll be cured in a week. I still want to be gone. But I love all of my family, immediate and extended enough that it currently keeps me safe.