a Scarlet D
My mental health journey
about
Category: Uncategorized
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Today made my top five worst days. That includes attempts, hospitalizations, and a brutal beating by drunk Robert. Like it takes a village to do some things, it takes many days to make a worst day. Like recent trends, this wasn’t a dramatic crisis. It was a building of horrible that reached a crescendo. Didn’t…
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It’s my blog I can cry if I want to. When it comes to my care stuff, I’m the teachers pet: Yet here I am, as bad as ever. In DBT they talk about a “life worth living.” I don’t even know what that would look like anymore. Mine doesn’t feel like that. Don’t worry,…
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Earlier we increased the VNS to 1.5mA, which feels like a blunt knife held tight to my throat. Stabbing, really. Also, instant heartburn during the firing. Can’t remember if I already made this update, but it’s gotten a little better over the course of the week but not a ton. Increasing to 1.75mA on Monday,…
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I wrote about drowning between therapy sessions. If I miss one, it’s very frustrating. It isolates me further and reminds me that a canceled appointment for anyone else is just that. (And my bad brain tells me I’m not important enough) Like a runner who paces themselves for a rest and reaches that rest exhausted,…
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Friday, 2 hours of sleep. Saturday, hadn’t gotten to sleep until something before 5am. Woke up at 6:40pm. Couldn’t get out of bed until 8: 00. Crap. I just lost a day. slept 14? hours. This is unbearable. All I want is to not exist. Normally sleeping is my way of having that for a…
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(I am fully aware that this reads like 7th grade angst poetry but I don’t have it in me to rewrite/edit.) It’s the time between distractions that’s the hardest. Between therapy, clinic, ketamine, dinner with friends. Those distract me from myself – thanks to friends. They distract me from my mind – thanks to ketamine.…
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My psychiatrist helped me change my meds a bit because I wasn’t sleeping. She wanted me to go to sleep earlier, get up earlier, and be active during the day. So we increased the sleepy time med and we increased the stimulation med. Except I feel like it’s all gone south. Because I don’t sleep…
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Stealing the title and just a bit of my content from my travel blog here. So if you’re reading this getting upset at my self plagiarism, just read on. It’ll get better. Or worse. On the 10,000 mile road trip I was lucky enough not to experience any tickets, breakdowns, or crashes. Settling back into…
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I may not be Kerouac but I am indeed on the road. It’s been fun, exciting, tiring, surprising, spiritual, and tough. I was great until I got to two different cities where I had history. It was so nice to see them again and eat at restaurants I missed, and things like that. But I…
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Work just couldn’t wait for me. They made it clear it wasn’t about me. It was about needing someone in the role. My team needed a leader. And I get that. While unemployment brings so many stressors, I have to admit I’m relieved. The stress there is what landed me in the pile of goop…
a Scarlet D 