semicolon: 4. Sunday

I’ve had many people ask me if when I woke up I thought “Thank God that didn’t work!”  Nope.  I felt a lot of things, but that wasn’t one of them.  Neither was there shame or regret.  I was angry it didn’t work, I was frustrated at the fact that my one good plan wasn’t very good in the end.  So now I was stuck without a way to make a quick exit following my rules.  I felt trapped.

I woke up around 8, feeling groggy.  No serious impact on my balance, I could walk just fine.  I hadn’t gotten sick or anything, and didn’t have a headache.  So I went to my actual bed and lay down to sleep.  Wasn’t hopeful I would die in my sleep.  I did feel fuzzy and detached, or not quite all there yet.

Around 9am our neighbor came into the house and when she got to the upstairs hall she called my name.  I responded and she thanked me and said she was just checking on me.  I texted her later to thank her and she made it very clear that it was no problem, and if I ever needed help, to give them a call.

I had missed texts from Therapist, who called Wife and she asked the neighbor to check on me.  She warned them that I might be dead.  That’s a request that sucks to make, for sure.  I responded to the texts and contracted for safety.  Unfortunately, Therapist’s call to Wife had been answered while she and my brother and my daughter were in the car, and it was on speaker.  So now my daughter and brother are worried.

I went back to sleep for a good while, waking up for a noon haircut.  I was still groggy and spacey, I probably shouldn’t have driven.  I drove well enough though and got my haircut.  It was hard to keep focus, but Stylist and I chatted as we always do.  Human face still worked.

My siblings, aunts and uncles all have a call on Sunday afternoon.  I was on the call like nothing had happened, nothing was wrong – or at least more than usual.  Flat and quiet.  I wish I could go back and see the call again, knowing my brother, daughter and Wife had all had that shock earlier in the day.  At some point I had called Wife and without giving any details said I was just having a normal bad day.  And I spent the rest of the day bingeing movies.

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