I struggle with knowing how much to share and how much to keep to myself when it comes to the ketamine “trips.” I don’t want to sound like someone babbling about their acid trips or some burned out drug fiend. I understand that it’s very difficult to describe these things, and to the reader it sounds like disjointed, confusing, odd stuff. But I do want to share some of those things, regardless.
I am continuing a weekly ketamine session, and they go pretty much as expected. Blood Pressure, then an injection. Within a very few minutes I am feeling it and disassociate sometimes as expected and sometimes more intensely.
I wrote previously about the first really, *really*, intense session, in which I felt as though I was in an infinite loop. Nothing else, no universe, no me, no space, just that loop. When I am there I am overwhelmed but the simplicity of it brings me comfort, and any anxiety I get is from knowing I’ll come out of it, that it won’t last forever.
In the chair, in reality, apparently I am experiencing different emotions. I have had sessions where I have sworn, sometimes loudly, often with an air of being upset about what is happening “in there.” The other week I manifested a bit more physically, twisting around in the chair and looking extremely uncomfortable. I was given an ice pack to ground myself, and I threw it against the window. They put a weighted blanket on me to ground me, and it just ended up pissing me off. What I remember is that it was complicating things, pulling me out of the simplicity, and that was upsetting me.
From the look of concern on Wife’s face when I came back out of it, I’m guessing it was pretty scary. I trust her completely, but felt like they weren’t totally telling me how bad it was. When talking later with her, she was relieved to hear that the experience I had inside did not match what they were seeing. Next time I want video. 🙂
My therapist had a bit more concerning thought – and that was if I acted up too much, it’s possible I would need to be restrained, and that would be pretty traumatizing. This has been a bit of fun and amusing to hear about my acting up, but realizing it could get me strapped down or worse – checked into inpatient – bothers me a bit.
The intensity could be a from a variety of things. First, I have been fasting before appointments, as that is the recommendation typically for Ketamine therapies. Much like some rTMS providers put you in a soft helmet for rTMS, others simply have a unit placed on the forehead. Yes, the fasting is taking advice from the Internet. I know how wise that is or isn’t.
I am also recently on a higher dose by 30 or 50 percent, can’t remember – but it’s a bit of a jump. So that could have something to do with it. But oddly enough it started ramping up when I *stopped* listening to music. I’ve been doing Gorecki’s 3rd for so long that I knew where I was in the hour based on the musical movement. It also felt like it guided me in the same path every time. One week I forgot my earbuds and went without music at all. The difference was quick and strong. I remember the texture of my jeans standing out and beginning a beautiful journey through tans and yellows before dropping me deep in the disassociation. So I think I prefer without music at this point.
The other interesting thing that’s happened a couple times now are the ketamine tears. Sometimes I know when it’s happening, sometimes I know it happened when I “come back” because I can feel it in my eyes. It’s not crying, it’s just as if my eyes fill with tears. When I’ve known it was happening it didn’t seem like weeping, but more of an intense sadness that almost breaks the surface tension of tears but never quite gets there. And as usual it makes me wonder what’s really happening during my sessions. Interesting more than upsetting.