How I feel weird

I have a bunch of things going on. Depression, some anxiety, med side effects like dizziness, GI issues, memory issues, and seasonal allergies on top of it all.

The depression gets in the way of everything. If I have even the slightest little moment of “less bad” the depressive elements like fatigue, lack of motivation, self doubt and lack of optimism all get it in way of something good shining through.

An example: Showering and thinking about yesterday. It wasn’t a horrible day, and I was trying to process the whole day and figure out how all of the auditioning I did and the walk in the evening, and even the time on the porch all fed into the overall soup that is my soul. While those were all good things, my depression is a rock star at punching holes in things. None of the auditions were fruitful (anyone need a voice actor?), the walk was tiring – but actually the problem was seeing everything for the first time and not being able to remember familiar things. And the time on the porch? It’s currently gray, cold, rainy, and will be for some time now. And then there was forgetting for a moment that my dad died 25+ years ago. It was just a bit of a flicker, but that sucked *hard*.

I also have an upcoming trip on my mind, one in very much looking forward to, but I’m wrestling with the logistics of train travel. Apparently ticket prices are “market” prices and just go up with time. So I’m getting further and further from my goal as each day goes by. But I’m working to not think about all of that and hope it works itself out.

I was asked about my SI, and didn’t know how to answer. It’s been a part of my constant running narrative for so long it’s difficult to measure.

So it’s a bit of a fight to keep everything in perspective, and hard to figure out how I’m doing with all of that conflict going on in my head.

But I did have those few good moments, and I did see the future for a bit there. So when I’m asked how I’m doing (which is already a hard question to answer) today’s answer was “weird.”. Best I can do.

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