a Scarlet D

That’s supposed to be a combination of blahs and bliss.  Sure to catch on.  Nightmare of a week for me, switching PHPs, friend’s suicide, and ratcheting up my depression. (You can’t tell because the anxiety drowns it out.)

Haven’t been on this side of the suicide fence before, and it’s doing my head in. So many of the emotions as predicted and fodder for my therapist. She doesn’t need to say “See? I told you so” but I can feel it when she talks.  Anger. Frustration. Helplessness. Hopelessness. Sadness. Grief. Memories. Imaginings. More same and grief.  Irony.

My last PHP was with a nationwide chain, and they had no therapy, just education.  I’m not saying I know everything about DBT and CBT (I do) but I don’t need education I need stabilization.  So back to my home.  The hospital where I did my first PHP, all my ECT and TMS, it’s where my GP is, and it was our family emergency room as well as the birthplace of both of my kids.  Even the intake felt better.  Start the clock tomorrow.

I have really good friends who check in on me and go out to dinner or whatever with me.  I’m very lucky to have them.  That said ..

I’m so fucking sick of all this.