a Scarlet D

I’ve always been deeply connected to music. Happy, sad, doesn’t matter. Something is playing. Depressive episodes are no exception. While I tend to play music until I’m sick of it, it goes doubly so for depression. I guess instead of getting sick of it, it tunnels it’s way into me, and the more I play it the more it resonates. Like a coil buried deep inside me that hums when I play the music. Each episode, for the most part, has it’s own album. Something I play and play and it makes me feel something or nothing. If it’s depressing music, it lets me hold onto my sadness. If it’s angry, it lets me yell along with it in the car. You get the concept.

1983-1987
This Mortal Coil
It'll End In Tears

High school is tough for anyone, all those hormones and social situations. While my first depression experiences were in middle school, it wasn’t until high school that I felt the real sting. Being into music – the more obscure the better – I had friends who knew more than I did, and would offer suggestions. At one point I traded a low-end CD player for this CD and Joy Division’s “Closer.” A real double whammy. I didn’t like it as much as “Unknown Pleasures” so I focused on This Mortal Coil. While I appreciated the mood, I didn’t really understand the significance of the source of the music (Big Star) or the artists in the “group.” Performed by mostly artists from the 4AD label – also known for their downtempo content.

I would lay on my bed and listen and put visuals to the soundscapes, listen to the impassioned singing, and disappear for 44 minutes.

2006
The Dresden Dolls
The Dresden Dolls

Work was a nightmare. I would go in at 9 or 10, then work until 6. I would go home and have dinner with the family (wife, 2 kids aged 3 and 6) and turn right around and go back to work around 8pm. I would work until 2 or 3, and go home. Every day. Weekdays. Weekends. This went on for what seems like years, but it was probably only one or two. It took it’s toll.

Wife and I got matching shrinks. Psychiatrist for the meds, psychologist for the happy talk. I had been on only one med so far, and this was the introduction to experimenting with different options. My first med was in 2001, but I can’t think of an album for that time. I remember it was pretty quiet, but very loud. Baby with legendary colic and unemployment, not to mention 9/11.

The Psychologist started by calling me out on my suicidal ideation. At the end of the first session she pushed me pretty hard on it, and at the beginning of the second I asked about it. She said some people just needed to do what they had to do. I mean, she’s not wrong, but it didn’t feel like the right thing a mental health professional should be saying..

I would drive back to work (where else?) from my appointments, screaming along to Amanda Palmer’s super triggering lyrics. I was almost happy doing that.

2019
Nine Inch Nails
Hesitation Marks

Another big gap, but we’re skipping ahead a could of episodes here. This was the beginning of the end, taking a leave from the job I loved and loved me. My introduction to ECT, TMS, and a whole host of meds that didn’t work.

I’ve been a fan of Nine Inch Nails from their first album, which actually holds up quite well 30 years later. But there was something in Hesitation Marks that caught me and held on. At some point one of the streaming services reported that I was in the top .02% of Nine Inch Nails listeners. I think it was for one specific date and there were probably other qualifiers, but I found it amusing.

Again, loud in the car.

The 2019 episode lasted for 4 long years. Three suicide attempts, more ECT, a spell in the actual hospital with no sharp objects. But by 2024 things were looking better.. for..

2024
Lady Gaga
Mayhem

.. about 5 minutes. Back in the dumpster. More Ketamine, more meds, another PHP, another Day Program, and now another TMS. My care team was pretty closely aligned, they all independantly told me to go PHP. So I took another leave from another job and went back into the game. I would get gentle suggestions from time to time that maybe I should consider a higher level of care, like inpatient. That long sentence is a suggestion. Later I would get sharper suggestions with a tone that indicated I was going to have to talk them out of it if I wanted to leave the room free. And that’s where I am now. My happy moments are when I’m flying along the freeway with the top down and Lady Gaga turned all the way up, I may or may not be singing along. (I am)