a Scarlet D

Second week in on anything is usually not very newsworthy. I think this is worthy of a post. Also, I’m eating an eclair at one of my favorite shops and need to kill some time.

The weekend was bad. I stayed in bed for most of it, just trying to escape. I remember a strong impulse to call someone to talk, but knew it would just be complaining, and it wouldn’t help. I was so low on energy that my suicidal ideation was super safe. But I didn’t want to feel like this anymore. At all, forever.

Saturday was bad enough that I started worrying about Sunday’s concert. I’m known for having concert tickets during a funk and completely blowing the show off. I love love love Wang Chung and some of their soundtrack work. Had tickets, pretty good tickets at that. Never went. Too hard, mentally and thus physically.

Told my best friend about my concern and he ordered me to drag myself to it. So I did. Nine Inch Nails are super important to me (see previous post about music) and I did enjoy it, though it was a little overwhelming to hear some of the more impactful songs live. It. was an assault of emotion, but reaally in a good way.

Monday morning. I’m told right away that the monday after the first week can be tough. Also, we were turning up the intensity. And it hurt. It was clamping my jaw shut when it fired, and I could feel my hand twitch. But I sucked it up and made it through. Got a little headache, all done.

Today (Tuesday) was a different story. I went in with a 24/27 on the PHQ-9 (scored as Severe Depression) and was just flat. Settled into the machine, got my earplugs halfway in as intended, and got myself into the Magnet beams deep into the brain. The little hammers were really hitting me hard. I’m still not ready to back it down to the previous intensity.

It was the chatty tech that I have decided is my favorite one, but I just wasn’t in the mood. I had no headphones so conversation was the way of the day. We talked about the State Fair, which I love. But when the device fired, I clammed up. Not just from the automated jaw clench, but an overwhelming sad mood. It was like being pushed into something stronger than I already had, but only for the time it was firing. Doing that 54 times did not help my disposition, and I’m carrying a headache as a souvenir.

Off to Day program, we’ll see if I feel any better after that. Luckily, a blank afternoon after.