a Scarlet D

I feel like I’ve been crying for an hour. But I haven’t. It’s been a hard two hours.

Day program, the education session. New facilitator, and he seems really cool. We connected over music, concerts, and his fascination with (my) home built boats. He’s a bit high energy, but so much more interesting than the previous education person.

After a difficult processing group, talking mostly about my return to work and the dangers and concerns therein. The closer we get, the more anxious I get, and honestly the higher my SI gets. But we talked about breathing methods, and we did some painting. So I was feeling almost okay by the time we got to checkout. After I had submitted my sheet, however, I checked my mail. Email from my manager asking if I was still on track to come back part time next week. I had intended to send him the update today after verifying my Day Program discharge date.

I think I understand the concept of triggering, because I freaked the fuck out. Full on panic attack, fight or flight response, the main thought going through my head was “I can’t do this” and “I don’t want to exist.” I was actively thinking about how I could kill myself. Full body shaking, couldn’t focus on any one thing, and trying to breathe but will little effect.

The group was on the way out, but when I said it was from my manager I heard one audible gasp, and some other response I can’t remember. They were all very concerned and said as much. I was given hugs from a few of them, and I knew they were all there to support me. Therapist ushered the group out and came back to check in with me. He asked who I wanted to talk to and I said my primary therapist (processing session) who happened to still be in the office.

Our prime concern was my safety, and I was having trouble thinking straight. I answered questions as best I could, but honestly, I didn’t have all the answers. We talked about my days safety plan. I am going to dinner with a fellow misfit (met in inpatient #1), so all that’s left is after that, when I get home.

The main problem is that I don’t know what my safety looks like anymore. But we talked through it. Would I be able to call someone if things started to get rough? Would I be able to go to the ER? I had no answers, since I suck at both of those. I admitted as much and she suggested maybe having a sleepover with someone. Yeah, no.

Finally we decided she would walk me back to the parking ramp taking the long way around with the skyway, and see how I was by then. We chatted about random things which I can’t remember, and after the 10+ minute walk I was so much more regulated. We talked about safety and that I would be at program tomorrow. And I came home. Wrote a good response to work and sent, then bought plane tickets for my brother-in-laws memorial.

So exhausted.