Lost

That’s probably the best description of how I feel.

The ECT has me confused, hard to follow a train of thought, and scattered. Today I don’t feel like I can do anything. Anything electronic has me drifting off within minutes. My phone, which is normally like an extra limb, is confusing. I’m having trouble finding icons, remembering how to start applications, and forgetting why I was going to use it in the first place.

I have a credit card expiring this month so I have nearly a dozen accounts I need to update the new credit card info — I honestly don’t know how I am going to be able to do that.

No appetite, haven’t slept the past few nights, and I’m exhausted. Headache but can’t take any pain meds this close to the anesthesia.

So here I sit in the darkening afternoon light, waiting for something to happen. Dreading something to happen, given my low energy and motivation. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my psychiatrist, a ketamine injection, and an initial consult with a neurosurgeon about implanting the VNS device.

I’ve been in some difficult spots in the past, but this feels like something completely different. Everything seems foreign. Difficult. Someone else’s life. It really makes me wonder how I’m going to survive this.