At Sea

Everything I said last week, but double.

Between the ECT and the Ketamine I’m constantly bouncing between confusions. Today during Ketamine as soon as it started to hit I was completely lost. I had no idea what was real, what my purpose was, or when the ketamine ended and reality began again. It was not as much fun as it has been in the past.

In fact, this week I’ve been lost at sea every day all day long. I can’t remember many things, including important events — Wife and I went to the University to meet the neurosurgeon who will implant my VNS, and set the dates for the procedures. I don’t remember a bit of it though. According to the calendar, April 5th is the date on which I will get the VNS implanted. And a couple weeks later it’ll be activated. But it’s on the calendar!

No appetite, trouble sleeping, hard to get comfortable and always confused about what’s going on. That’s not very comfortable for me. But in theory I’ll forget all of this when the ECT ends, so I guess it’s just pain for me at the moment. Needless to say I’m not allowed to drive — can’t blame them!

Through all of these appointments and virtual meetings and such, I feel less and less like I am holding it together. I’m taking notes when I can, but really it’s as if I’m passing through a temporary moment constantly. And my score on the PHQ-9 was the highest I’ve ever had in my life – 26 – one point short of max’d out. I am still safe, yet. But still worried about how far I’ve come, or gone.

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