a Scarlet D

It’s just turning into one big panic attack.  Can’t breathe, anxious, worrying. Getting used to days where I don’t eat at all.

Left (graduated?) the partial hospitalization program because it’s only 15 days long. I have transitioned into the day program. Tuesday Wednesday Thursdays from 12:30 to 3:00. For like, ever.

Seems like a great way to be able to introduce me back into the workplace. You know maybe working Friday Monday and then incorporating the midweek mornings, and so on. Except…

My current hospital denied me for further TMS treatments because of my VNS. But the treatment resistant depression clinic does TMS and knows how to work their way around VNS as if needed. So I’m on for those starting next week, everyday of the week at 9:30 a.m.

So much for going back to work.

Between the day program and the TMS treatments I am not going to be able to go back until the beginning of October. FMLA will be long gone by then and I’m dreading having the conversation with my boss.

On one hand, they’re so supportive and maybe they’ll continue to be supportive in an unpaid leave sort of way.

But they wouldn’t surprise me if they basically said that was just too long and cut me loose. The first option would be great, maybe the TMS would even help me enough that I could go back to work and not end up suicidal again.

If they decided to let me go, a collection of events would happen that would put my safety in extreme jeopardy.

My confidence that I could find another job is pretty low, given my experience finding my current job. My cushy health insurance would go away and I would go on Medicaid. I know for a fact that my therapist and the treatment resistant depression clinic both don’t take Medicaid. I don’t even know about my meds psychiatrist. So I would have to try and find a new therapist that doesn’t know me and a new psychiatrist and someone who can do maintenance on my VNS.

I would go back on disability, which would help, but I would have to move out of my apartment once I finished ruining my savings. Finding a new apartment, packing, moving, not living here. All of that just makes my heart hurt.

I know I’m catastrophizing but all of those things are not unreasonable. I’ve recently trended from passive to active suicidal ideation. And I think all of that stuff above would be just enough to push me over the edge.

Yeah, yeah, I’m safe right now. I do have a great care team at the moment. I love making therapists cry.