a Scarlet D

In a post about a million years ago, I referenced something I call “Depression Porn” – I guess you could just say it would be media that’s triggering. After a productive day of being depressed, I thought I’d find a new movie that sounded interesting. A movie that’s been on my watch list has been “Aftersun” – it features an actor named Paul Mescal, he’s a cool Irish guy. Got nominated for best actor at the Oscars for this role. Had no idea what it was about.

The premise is a father (Mescal) and his daughter (12 ish?) on a summer holiday to a resort in the mediterranean. That’s about it. Great character study, etc. Lots of good emotional moments. I connected so hard with the father, trying to be there for his daughter but clearly having issues. I could smell the depression right away. It was the little things like the look behind his eyes when he’s trying so hard to look like he’s having fun. The way he sags every so slightly when the focus is off of him, There were other more obvious things, but they were softly and slowly introduced to the storyline. And it was clear that this was all leading up to something bad. Every sharp noise was a tease.

The end doesn’t solve or explain anything. I know I took my own ending from it, and I’m sure a lot of other people did too. But I’m guessing there are many different endings to the movie. Mine was, of course, that he committed suicide. It’s heavily hinted at but no clear indicator.

I spent a long time during the movie and after thinking about grinning and bearing it with my youngest daughter. About the times where I put in all the effort I could muster to be able to be there for her. We had a lot of good times, but many of them were tinged with that gray crust that keeps me from feeling. Those times were some of the best and most important memories to me. Whatever’s left of them, anyway.

I needed a palate cleanser, but then my addicted little mind started suggesting things like “Melancholia” or “Sylvia.”

So I decided to go all in and watch Ordinary People. Holy cow, what a great movie. The first time I saw it was on the family black and white TV using headphones. There was something wrong with the TV or the headphones, there was bleed through from something else. So the whole time, there was this background noise like people talking. For a movie that is legendary for it’s use of silence, but broke that but somehow added something more. Successive viewings have carried that silence nicely. I wonder how many people adjust volume and check for mute as the movie begins in absolute quiet. These movies may not be the best thing for me to be watching, but they’re comforting. Like group, my co-patients bring up hard stuff, things that make ones mind wander to dark spots. It’s comforting because it’s people who get it. Like movies that understand.

Anyway, Aftersun is great.