a Scarlet D

Friday, 2 hours of sleep.

Saturday, hadn’t gotten to sleep until something before 5am.  Woke up at 6:40pm.  Couldn’t get out of bed until 8: 00.  Crap. I just lost a day.  slept 14? hours. This is unbearable.

All I want is to not exist. Normally sleeping is my way of having that for a time. But I feel like something was stolen from me, a day I would have hated to live. That’s irony, right?

Last night 5 hours. As usual though, feel groggy and exhausted.

We’re trying to re-jigger my meds to help stabilize sleep, but this is maddening.  More sleep meds to get me to sleep, stimulants to wake me up for the day. Often my night meds leave me thick, feeling as if I’ve just woken from the deepest of sleep.

Added my prn benzo at night because the CPAP which has worked flawlessly for me for over a decade now makes me claustrophobic and anxious. Anxiety has never been part of my sleep. So now I’m worried the regular use of the benzo will reduce its potency over time, trying not to think of it the addictive properties.

It’s like being completely exhausted except you can’t sleep.  It’s been weeks since I’ve had a proper night’s sleep that hasn’t left me tired, frustrated, and feeling like a zombie. Seeing my meds doc weekly.

Whole care team is trying to find a program for me: PHP, IOT, DBT, whatever. I understand the need for structure, and I can’t do it myself. But the idea of being in a day program for more months or a year makes me feel like I’ll never get better.

On the plus side, disability has been turned back on for me so the fear of losing my apartment is much less.