It’s a question I dread. Most of the time it’s someone asking me literally how it’s going. Like, a normal “Hey” question. They’re not trying to figure out if I’m depressed or anxious or where on the scale I am, mentally. It’s usually just a greeting.
I’ve landed on “It’s going.” as a standard response. Because if they don’t want to know how it’s _really_ going, I don’t want to go into it with them. And if they _do_ want to know exactly how my mental state is, they’ll ask more probing questions.
I haven’t gotten a ton of “How’s it going” with the corresponding sad eyes and tilted head – but I’m always waiting for it. But it’s such a loaded question and there are so many things to say. But half the time I’m not even sure, myself. So having to answer it is having to look deep inside my current psyche and figure out just what’s going on in there.
The med changes have shaken out and things are looking up. Wife reports that my slow decline between ECT treatments isn’t happening in this iteration, and my spirit is actually positive. I had an intake interview for a DBT program today and had to explain what it’s like when I’m depressed – and I’m enough “not depressed” that it was hard to actually verbalize. But we got through it and I’m starting their program in two weeks. Happily, it’s in the evening once a week so it won’t impact work.
That’s the other half of how it’s going – work. I’m working as much time as I have available, which means near full-time with the exception of ECT days (which are going from 2 to 1.5) and the odd appointment day. (An appointment day is when I’ve jammed all of my latest appointments into one single day so I can minimize time away from the office.) My energy is back up so I’m not soul-crushingly tired until mid-evening, rather than mid-morning. And I’m getting back into the workday groove, which is nice. When I was on the day program I was leaving before lunch and that just wasn’t feeling like actual work days.
Fun side note – the ECT has been affecting my memory, but most conspicuous is my memory of media. Movies or tv shows that I don’t remember having seen. So I just recently binged season three of Fleabag (again) and loved every (repeat) minute of it as a completely new experience. Episode 3 is the best episode of the entire series.
It’s going. 🙂