Often, when I’m standing in the shower making the most important decisions of my life (i.e. staring off into space) I have helpful thoughts, and not so helpful thoughts. Today I had a thought that comes back to me often. Maybe I don’t have depression and anxiety – maybe I’m just lazy?” My mind loves that one, and usually just runs with it. The depression is just being tired. The anxiety is just not sucking it up and dealing with the world like everyone else.
But then little thoughts start jumping in with proofs. Reasons why maybe I am actually depressed and anxious. Things like…
The pile of meds I take everyday The enormous pile of meds that weren’t effective The Psychiatrists I see on a regular basis seem to think I an afflicted My personal therapist, who’s been in the deepest reaches of my mind and assures me that, yes, I have some serious issues The Care team at the Treatment Resistant Depression clinic – for even seeing me .. and their prescription of Ketamine .. and their recommendation and assistance in fitting me with a Vagus nerve stimulator (VNS) .. and their medication prescriptions working in concert with my regular Psychiatrist The tremor in my hands and legs from the most effective medication I’m on That VNS, which is surgically implanted in my chest and neck. It gives me a zap every five minutes for 30 seconds Two rounds of Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) One round of Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) The feelings of failure, dread, and hopelessness CBT, DBD, IOT, PHP, MAOI, and every other acronym I can think of
You know what? That list doesn’t matter. You don’t need to prove it to yourself. If you have depression, you have depression. If you have anxiety, you have anxiety. Depression imposter syndrome feels very real to me, but I look at the evidence and feel how I’m feeling, and I’m assured it is real. Which is actually depressing, but that’s a different blog post. Don’t let those little shower (or elsewhere) thoughts try to impact your disease. They’re just thoughts going through your head, getting washed down the drain as they continue on.