a Scarlet D

Today made my top five worst days. That includes attempts, hospitalizations, and a brutal beating by drunk Robert. Like it takes a village to do some things, it takes many days to make a worst day. Like recent trends, this wasn’t a dramatic crisis. It was a building of horrible that reached a crescendo.

Didn’t sleep last night, just like the previous few. Actually it’s more the norm than the exception these days. Sleep comes with a 4 on the clock, sometimes a 5. A few hours of painful restless legs and then crappy sleep. Woke already anxious thinking about the future, money, safety, and where the snooze button is.

First appointment after disappointing coffee was with the EMDR hopeful. I was 15 minutes early only to find the appointment time is actually fifteen minutes after that, so you have time to do check in, which I had already done. So half an hour early. And then he was late. Started with the traditional “how’s it going” and went downhill from there. Somehow we ended up doing my history again. And that alone is enough to ruin a whole day. In the end I decided he wasn’t a good match. Nice guy, perceptive, but did EMDR virtually (doesn’t make sense) and rarely at that. He didn’t know what a VNS was, and admitted I’m one of the worst cases he’s seen. (Not his words.). So I fired him. Gently. He’s going to ask around about actual EMDR practitioners and get back to me.

When I got to the TDR clinic for the TMS session I was at high anxiety, fight or flight. The lobby was packed and there was a line to check in. On top of the chaos was a disabled woman who made an extremely loud noise every minute or so. Patients come in a variety, so I’m not faulting her. It just wasn’t a morning (afternoon) that I could handle that well. By the time I was called in I was physically shaking, twitching every time it happened, and was just trying not to freak out. I thought it odd that the tech wasn’t calling me in, but the head nurse.

The VNS was too much. It was painful and felt like my chest was burning, and there was a weight on my chest. Felt hard to breathe even if I knew it wasn’t. The choking sensation on the breathlessness of anxiety was making me crazy. The scheduling of a nurse visit during my TMS was was a surprise. She administered the TMS instead of the tech. We spent the session talking about what’s going on with me. She turned the VNS down to 1.25, which is far less painful. But I still sense it every time it goes off, and it’s like a little voice that says “you’re fucked up.” Every five minutes. Whatever. At this point I would love for them to turn it off. I’ve been getting that 5 minute reminder for years now. I need a break. I got the obligatory safety check and 25/27 on the PHQ-9, which is my second highest score. Had a lot to do with the anxiety.

That’s three days in a row they’ve gotten me to cry in the chair. Depression, anxiety, panic, and the hopelessness of another major technology that didn’t make a dent in my depression.

I went home and just lay down on the couch. No tv, maybe fell asleep a bit, catatonic otherwise, just brooding. I never really calmed down, and needed to get milk so I couldn’t take a PRN because I would be driving. So it’s just been shitty all day with no relief.

I am defeated, lost, alone. These are the days that test my will.