a Scarlet D
My mental health journey
about
Category: depression
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In a post about a million years ago, I referenced something I call “Depression Porn” – I guess you could just say it would be media that’s triggering. After a productive day of being depressed, I thought I’d find a new movie that sounded interesting. A movie that’s been on my watch list has been…
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I think of the different elements of past jobs and how I valued them. From the mentor back during the dotcom bubble, to the manager who taught me all about how Agile can actually work. My current boss has been nothing but supportive. He’s been clear that he wants to set me up for success,…
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It’s just turning into one big panic attack. Can’t breathe, anxious, worrying. Getting used to days where I don’t eat at all. Left (graduated?) the partial hospitalization program because it’s only 15 days long. I have transitioned into the day program. Tuesday Wednesday Thursdays from 12:30 to 3:00. For like, ever. Seems like a great…
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Just got out of ketamine and had a follow-up with psychiatrist at the treatment resistant depression clinic. He wasn’t suggesting I go inpatient, he was asking for a reason not to do it. I was honest with him and we eventually settled on me remaining at home with check-ins. But it was touch and go…
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My therapist thinks I should check myself into the hospital for safety. Complicated. Last time I was in was an anxiety nightmare. Pass. Was referred for more TMS, got denied today because last time it made my depression worse. Also the VNS is problematic with the magnetics. Refuse to do ECT if they offer it.…
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The new PHP is going well. I’m getting something out of the group therapy sessions. I enjoy spending the time with people just as broken as me. Someone pointed out the other day that I appear to be running without filters or masks. I suppose they’re right. And it’s a bit refreshing. I’m still not…
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That’s probably the best way to describe it. The fact that it makes no sense sets the tone. It used to be easy. Wallow in The Hole with my depression. Let anxiety put me in a cage that make me want to freak out. That feeds the depression etc and so forth. They were separate…
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That’s supposed to be a combination of blahs and bliss. Sure to catch on. Nightmare of a week for me, switching PHPs, friend’s suicide, and ratcheting up my depression. (You can’t tell because the anxiety drowns it out.) Haven’t been on this side of the suicide fence before, and it’s doing my head in. So…
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I wrote a post yesterday titled “Emotion Wheel” – it’s a device for finding a better term for how you’re feeling. The post was saying that in one week I had felt all of the negative emotions on the wheel. Gibberish. Luckily it hadn’t published properly, so you didn’t have to read it. Drama and…
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I realized it wasn’t hyperbole when I told my doctor that today was one of the worst days I can remember in years. I think it was the tears welling in my eyes. And I don’t do tears. A month of intensely stressful days at work on a large project that I feel partly responsible…
a Scarlet D 