a Scarlet D

I realized it wasn’t hyperbole when I told my doctor that today was one of the worst days I can remember in years.  I think it was the tears welling in my eyes.  And I don’t do tears.

A month of intensely stressful days at work on a large project that I feel partly responsible for not getting done in time. Earlier this week I could induce an anxiety attack just by thinking about work. Not about something at work but just the fact that it exists.

When I went in for ketamine they had me sign an ROI for an organization that does a higher level of care. My therapist has been suggesting it for some time now and when I saw my GP today she even suggested a partial hospitalization. She also told me that if I did ever lose my job but I should just go check in to the hospital that same day.

My therapist had to cancel for an illness this week and that was sad? I don’t think I know how to put it into words. During the week I feel like I’m drowning but when I’m in therapy I feel like my head is just above water enough to breathe.  But that was part of the stress too, was what her plan or thoughts for a higher level of care were going to be.

And if I do have to do one of those programs it’s going to mean taking (unpaid) time away from work. I worry about my performance at work and after this project saying “hey boss how about just letting me take a month and a half off?”

And it all culminated in a day of chasing that deadline and having the ups and downs of actually getting there. And then having my boss asking for status updates and I’m having to deliver bad news or better yet deliver good news that he thinks is actually bad news. It’s like a high-pitched tone that’s just going through my body, the anxiety. Not his fault. Mine for thinking I could do the job.

And so many other different things all in the same day and all just leading me to sitting on the couch watching James Bond movies shaking, not eating, and worried pretty sick about whether or not I’m going to sleep tonight.

Finally, I haven’t written in this blog in a very long time. It’s all been sunshine and rainbows. And the reality of the matter is last fall things started to fail again and so the last 9 months I’ve been in another major depressive episode. But I haven’t told many people because I don’t want to be a burden and I don’t want to be a complainer and I don’t want to be like this.  I’m tired of it and just want it to stop.

And if I’m being honest one of the reasons I haven’t been writing is because I haven’t wanted my ex to know the things weren’t going well. I don’t know if it’s a pride thing or what but I guess if she’s reading it still the cat’s out of the bag.

On a positive note I have some close friends who check up on me, share a meal or a walk with me, and listen to me droning.

I guess I just have to “hang in there.” (Hate that phrase)

P s. I guess I’ll probably be posting more now.