a Scarlet D

A long time ago I started having auditory hallucinations. My doctor didn’t think too much about them because they were pretty simple and rare. And honestly kind of funny.

When I started trying THC I realized that made them much stronger and more often, but still, just no voices in another room, no discernible words.

It’s not like they were telling me to do anything so, we just brushed it aside.

I’ve been having a little bits and pieces of them for a while now, but again not that often and not intrusive.

But when I went on my last trip I was noticing that there was always a couple in the site next to mine bickering. Except the site was empty. Fine, it’s just noise. But they kept following me from campground to campground. Just the same old bickering nothing big, just like any couple would do if they were trying to put together a new tent or something.

And I started talking a little bit more about the different things I hear and when and how. The final straw was when they tried me on valium and it just flipped a switch. Not only was I hearing things but I was seeing things. Taking the boat on the lake, the lake was just covered in ropes. They were flocks of birds all over the place that weren’t really there. I don’t even remember what else, that was enough.

Reporting it up the chain of care command we decided to stop the valium. That stopped a lot of the visual stuff. But it felt a little bit like something had been broken open.

These days it’s just that I hear people saying my name and calling to me out in public. And my apartment appears to be somewhat infested by 5 in wide brown tarantula looking things. That’s a little bit more disturbing. But I know they’re not real. Today I found bugs on something in the kitchen. They were kind of everywhere but I looked real close and realized they weren’t there. But what scared me most was that I had to check. And the idea that someday I might not know the difference, and end up ripping apart my kitchen trying to find the leprechauns, scares the crap out of me.

It doesn’t help that I have worse floaties in my eyes, like really bad. Nests and beatle legs and sticks and then the usual floaties. Also, rafts of the tiniest of dots.

They’re talking about putting me on an antipsychotic, which is a part of the mental health world I haven’t been anywhere near associated with. My depression was major depressive disorder, without psychotic elements I think? I’m worried that that will be amended now.

I’m usually honest to a fault with my doctors. But if I’m seeing things I’m worried they’re going to want to take away my driving privileges. So if my car wasn’t able to drive me around in the sunshine that just wouldn’t be a life worth living, to quote DBT. So do I lie and feel horrible person and potentially get it in an accident? Or am I honest and potentially lose my ability to get around? (And if anybody says something about buses I’m going to rip up their favorite finger painting.)

I looked up the two antipsychotics in both of them were equally annoying. Weight gain, other bad side effects, weight gain. I checked on Reddit and everybody started with “weight gain..” and I just lost 8 lb.

Finally, in today’s 3:00 p.m. morning shower, the floaties got to be just a little too much and I realized there was nothing I could do to get away from them. I realize now I can close my eyes but you can’t really live life that way. I just felt totally trapped and at the mercy of my stupid brain. It was a truly horrifying experience.  Like in an actual horror movie. And I don’t like horror movies.  All just scary, new, and not fun. The week’s been like that.