a Scarlet D

My mental health journey

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Woman sitting on bed in a bedroom transformed with plants, flowers, and forest murals

Good days, Bad days, Worse days

Yeah, I’ll put a trigger warning on this. Depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and casino bingo.

I’ve been travelling a lot lately, which is good. I tend to have good days while on a road trip. It’s not a guarantee, but it happens. When I get back from a road trip I do tend to feel a bit of a slide into the dark.

Today was a strange day. Woke up as a Zombie. Had a friend over and we played scrabble – I won. Took a nap, which helped the Zombie element. Finally, went with a friend to a casino to play bingo. I hadn’t been to a casino since Las Vegas, so it was interesting to see a smaller, local casino. Had a good meal (classic club, bottomless Coke) and got a boost with an iced latte. Bingo was cosmic bingo, which was fun, and I intentionally wore a bright white shirt and white shoes in order to “Pop.” I didn’t win any bingo, but it was amusing at least. And fun to share with a friend.

One of the things people don’t know is what’s happening behind the scenes. While it was great seeing my friend and winning at scrabble, it took a lot of energy to share my space. The nap helped reset me a bit, and cleared my head. But the casino took the rest of out of me, slowly.

It wasn’t until bingo was half over that I felt this hard crash that just pulled me under. It was partly kicked off from some people I was observing that reminded me of my past but also my children. I did take the time to pop a text off to my youngest daughter with one of my favorite pictures of her. That helped a little bit. But not really enough. In a moment I felt miserable. Lonely, lost, hopeless, and scared of the future. These are familiar feelings lately.

I was able to put up a human front, and the smiles and laughter were forced, but parts of them were real and made me feel a little bit better. But the grip on my gut that made my life in that moment hurt so bad persisted. I did mention to my friend that things were tough in these moments, and that I would survive. He’s ridiculously supportive and while he didn’t understand completely, he was there for me. Which cut the loneliness nicely.

Coming home I didn’t really know what to do. So I did what I always do. Pull out the laptop, procrastinate working on my writing, and turn on fail videos on the TV. I feel sick to my stomach and jittery. This restlessness is part of my anxiety and supports the depression and desperation. This is where the suicidal ideation really comes to the fore. Generally I feel this twist that makes me wish I wasn’t alive all day. But the evenings, especially when I’m out of spoons, just puts the phrase in my head on repeat. I don’t want to exist. Sometimes it’s a rational feeling that pushes me to research and try to come up with functional plans, and other times it’s simply being stuck in a cage beating myself against the bars wanting to get out, to be done.

That’s probably enough dark drama for one post. I’m not sure what I am trying to say. I suppose it’s that my smiles and laughter usually hide something far more sinister. The fact that nobody knows about it makes it more lonely and more isolating. That’s all.

Give me some feedback and let me know if you connect with this, have any personal methods for dealing, or simply want to say hi. It really helps to know I have readers.

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2 responses to “Good days, Bad days, Worse days”

  1. Brian Brown Avatar
    Brian Brown

    Robert,

    Brian B here from your old Face it group. I get a lot of emails just as everyone does. When I see an email come from this thread I open it immediately to get to hear your thoughts. My heart usually breaks to hear the struggles that you go through. I wish you could feel and understand the love that I and many others have for you. In group I would gain insight to myself through the words that you spoke. While the aura that you describe as dark and isolated I could see a light and positiveness around you. As a Christian I would describe this as the love that Jesus has for you while others in AA and substance use would call it Higher Power.

    You asked for feedback and thought I may share a bit of my current journey. My experience may go in a direct opposite path that you have been on. I am not recommending or making any accusations about you or your thought pattern. This is my own cathartic writing.

    I am back taking college courses in a form variation of counseling. How I came to this is understanding myself. Genetically and biologically I have all the making of serious mental health issues. As you may remember my mother had bi-polar disorder and end up in the psychiatric wards every couple of years. I believe her dad also did and died young under not talked about conditions. The last time she went to a psych ward it was at a state hospital because she did not have my dads or him and was on disability. This was a real turning point for her. She did not want to ever go back there. I think she gained insight into herself and found her place of contentment. While her apartment was not great, she had her days and could go to Walmart to buy what she needed and do her thing. She could enjoy my sister and I, along with her grandchildren, and a couple of relatives when she was doing well. She did not interact with many others outside that group. She enjoyed her activities, reading, crocheting, watching a little tv, and taking care of her plants and small apartment. From the outside it may not be the simplistic path others would desire but it really worked for her.

    Why do I say these things. I watched my mother go through every kind of therapy (even early electro shock treatment in the 70’s), and every drug possible to only to get sick and unstable every couple of years. Then she experienced a very seemingly negative and dramatic situation only to find her contentment. I am very much like my mother and we had a close relationship. I also struggled with substance abuse and could mentally go to dark places from when I was fairly young. Even as I write this my wife is gone out of town to a family reunion and I notice an instant change in my brain. I don’t sleep well and have unnerving thoughts. When this happens I need to do a couple of things. 1. Understand that they are only thoughts and if they are not beneficial I need to let them sit. 2. I need to do some kind of activity that is beneficial for my body, mind, or spirit. Today I just got done running a 4 mile loop that starts from my house and travels on the ice age trail in the woods. I have not run in 2 years and I probably wont be able to walk tomorrow. 3. I need to have a source of truth outside myself that directs me on a forward path. This forward path has to contribute to others and society. When I focus on me it will take me on a negative path guaranteed. I have tried to study every religion and philosophy and the only one that does this for me is Christianity. Not the Christian Nationalistic version that the right wing has adopted in this country. The one from the book of Romans that will produce fruit as described in Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I wish you the best on this journey and I am rooting for you. Rooting that you can enjoy these fruits of the spirit.

    Take care,

    Brian B.

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    1. A Scarlet D Avatar
      A Scarlet D

      Thanks for the great reply!

      Many of those topics have lived in my head for differing periods of time. My family has a history of some substane abuse, and I have lived in fear that I’d been drinking too much. In the Marines our drinking habits would absolutely be considered abusive. But that was in a specific context, and it’s never been that bad since. My 20’s spent in bars and clubs always worried me. If I drank too much one night, I would think “Oh no, is it happening?” But I was always able to rationalize it away for forget about it. As the domestic life took me, I had a beer in the evening, or maybe 5. Again, worried.

      In these depressive episodes, I did find drinking taking me to a dark place, and finally realized that when I drank, I would become self abusive or put my safety at risk. I always kept it in my back pocket as a first step in any attempts. “Drunk me wants to kill me”. So I rarely took a drink.

      It wasn’t until I made an attempt and used alcohol as my first course that I stopped. Rather than “Drunk me wants to kill me” it ended up being “Drunk me wants to beat the crap out of me.” When I got home from the very short hospital stay and I went to take a shower, I found the evidence. I had bruises, cuts, and bite marks all over my body. And that was the final straw. I never wanted to be marred or maimed, I wanted to be dead.

      So alcohol was off the list of options, and I haven’t had a drink since. I guess I’m saying it doesn’t matter what gets you to stop drinking, as long as you stop.

      I really miss it though.

      Miss you in group, be well.

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